I have all these dreams and ideas in my heart that I truly believe God has given me. I want to be a representative of Jesus to my community. And by my community, I mean anyone I interact with. I want everyone who knows me to know that my heart truly and completely belongs to Jesus. And that doesn’t mean I’m perfect or that I never get it wrong, because I often do. And by often, I mean several times daily. And that’s ok, because I’m human. But that doesn’t mean I should stop trying. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t love Jesus in the midst of all that. I can be a representative of Jesus by being real in those moments and times of struggle. And I want to write about it. I love using words to express feeling and passion and sincerity and authenticity. But, bless my heart, I try to get some thoughts out on paper and it just falls flat. Every time I read back on what I said and I feel like it just misses the mark a little bit. And you know why that is? Because I’m reading what other women are writing and they’re better at it. And that may or may not be true, but it’s my opinion. And that just stops me in my tracks. I can’t put what I’ve written out there because compared to what everyone else is saying, it’s just not good enough. Or maybe it isn’t clear enough and could be misconstrued. I don’t know enough about the Bible to presume to be able to write something that would point people to Jesus. I just don’t know him well enough. But let me just tell you, I’ve known Jesus my whole life, and if I wait until I know Him “well enough” then I’ll never write anything at all. I’ll be dead before I’ll ever be there. Literally, only when I’m dead and can really talk to Him about the mess in my heart and all the things I don’t understand will I “know enough”. I cannot let that stop me. I can’t look at other women of the faith and use their knowledge, and by comparison, my lack of knowledge, and let that stop me. Because you know what I can do? I can study. I am hungry for Jesus. I want to soak Him in. And so I will learn more over time. And you know what else I can do? I can write anyway. Because maybe my punctuation isn’t always (or even often) right, and maybe I don’t use the best words, and maybe I’ll misspell stuff, (and maybe I start too many sentences with the word “and”) but whatever. First of all, I don’t really think that’s what God cares about. And secondly, I’ll get better at that too. Or maybe I won’t, but again, that’s not really what’s important here. Maybe people will read it, and maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll identify and maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll love it and maybe they won’t. But I’m not accountable for any of that. I am accountable for my obedience in His calling on my life.
What it all boils
down to is this: God has put these things in my heart, and I can’t wait to be
perfect at them to get started because that’s not how it works. I’ll never be
perfect, even after years and years and years of practice. I HAVE TO START
SOMEWHERE! Because if I don’t, I’ll get to the end of my life without doing
what God has asked of me. And I just cannot have that. I love him desperately
and will do whatever He’s asked of me. And for now, this is it: I will love my community
and write about it.
Praise God for
using just one sentence spoken by someone to someone else (not even to me) to
give me a moment of understanding. I just love Him for that.
